Monday, November 12, 2007

People treat you the way you let them

People treat you the way you let them treat you.

Treat people the way you would like to be treated.

Sometimes it’s not a good idea to let the irritating, mean (or etc) things that your friends or family do slip by without you letting the person know how you really feel about the issue. Once it becomes a habit it is harder to break that habit, also your frustration grows to a boiling point and you explode. You have to train people to treat you the way you want to be treated. This can be done by putting your foot down when something demeaning has been done to you and make it clear that you will not tolerate it. By being quiet – “YES”, you will avoid a sticky situation for that moment but a pattern will be set and the same things will be done to you again and again.

If you make yourself clear the first time around it sends a clear message across to the person that I refuse to be treated that way and people tend to not repeat it and take you for granted. So my new mantra is not to let anyone walk all over me. Being too nice in today’s day and age is not a done thing. Don’t be mean to anyone be nice but when the niceness becomes too out of hand and you notice people walking all over you put your foot own and refuse to let people treat you that way – after all People treat you the way you let them it’s up to you on how you want to be treated.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Shaping women's rights for tomorrow

In my last birth I must have been a woman activist or reformer of some sort. Ever since I was a child I was very sensitive to issues about equality. I always argued with my parents about why my older brother was given certain liberties over me – and trust me my parents are the liberal type. I was always a little headstrong and believed that what was good for the goose was good for the gander. I hated the double standard of the society we lived in.

From a headstrong child I have now transitioned into motherhood. As my maternal instincts have kicked in I have come to realize that as a parent of a son I have to instill in him values for a new generation of males. The respect for women starts with the first woman in your life teaching you the fundamentals of that respect and equality. I do not believe that households’ chores are the forte of women alone as women today are going out to the workplace in high profile jobs as CEO’s, Directors etc.. The basis of any
on-going relationship is the realization that it is a partnership – if only men started to really realize and understand the phenomena of a partnership they would stop taking the things women do for them for granted. My aim is to teach my son that the basis of a good relationship is respect and respect means to treat your woman counterparts as your equal.

Now that I am older I realize that my parents were only trying to protect me and my naivety the best way they could. They where surprised at my fierceness and hoped that I would mellow down as I got older (which I really have). I still have that feistiness’ in me but I know how to control it. I believe we all are waiting for that one chance where we can prove ourselves, not to anyone else but to our inner soul -- I too am waiting for that one chance as a woman to make a difference. But if you want to make a different right now that will shape the future tomorrow let it be to teach our sons to respect women and treat them truly as equals.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Rafting 2007 - WWE – White Water Excitement - An Ode to my Friends

WWE – White Water Excitement - An Ode to my Friends

The weekend of August 18, 2007 will forever be etched in our minds. 17 of us who camped together and 15 of us who went river rafting. All emotions known to man were experienced during this trip.

With the help of a few drinks I was able to unburden my feelings to a dear friend. Feelings that I could not have conveyed to her otherwise – the perils of a conditioned mind was broken down by intoxication…I could cry for a friend who lost his father (whom I have never even met) only to be replaced by a brand new soul in form of his son. Also I could cry and tell my darlin’ husband how I feel his childhood pain of not having the guidance and love of his father growing up, having to be the man of the house at the age of 15. Nope I am not proud of perhaps the most embarrassing moment of my life, but I am glad that maybe by unburdening myself I helped with the pain that these people felt which results in closure.

Rafting started with a big bang – with everyone excited and raring to go – most of us were probably nervous but HEY there was no looking back at that moment. Trusting a complete stranger to guide us thought the Rapids was the only way to go. We were almost more than half way through the first half of the river -- with one of the scariest rapid behind us done with panache we were feeling great and ready to tackle the next when we saw a friend in the water with others in his boat no where to be seen. We were so sure his leg was stuck between these huge rocks and he seemed like he was in a trance – unable to comprehend what had happened we too were in a daze till it slowly but surely began to dawn on us that the boat he was in had capsized with everyone onboard thrashed into the mercy of the rapid and the currents that followed it. Here we saw love if this emotion could be seen. He refused to enter the boat and all he wanted to know was if his wife was okay and if she was safe. A heroic effort from one of our boat members to pull him in was met with success – there are photos to prove this effort. Moved forward and seeing all our friends safe and on board various boats we all finally breathed a breath of relief once we were assured that no one was hurt and all accounted for. After that we all were silent –

probably each one thinking what a close call this was.

Two of the non- swimmers were on that boat - and God only knows how they kept calm under the crazy circumstances, waiting and not knowing if help was coming…not knowing if this was it, their mind and hearts racing a thousand times a second. Hats of to you girls who are one of the bravest people I know, not only to you two but all our friends who fell into the river only to recoup and have the guts to climb onboard and tackle the whole river again.

That is part of the story of boat #1. Boat #2 out of our group of friends,3 were sharing the boat with an American family. Out of the three of them, two fell out as well at another rapid. Their boat hit a rock and all of them on right side fell off and they almost missed hitting a rock – if I heard correctly.

This followed another mishap to the same American family sharing the boat with ouR friends, after which we all were brave enough to have a few water fights.

At the end of the journey the most scared person out of all of us was brave enough to ask to be seated at the front of the boat and tackle a couple of rapids. Way to go gurls…

In the 24 plus hours we spent with each other, we all felt if not all the emotions – most of the emotions known to man. Tears, laughter, morbid fear for ourselves and others, bravery, heroism, anger ---- and throw in whatever emotion you can think of, this would be part of a summation of our Camping cum Rafting adventure. I’m sure we all have our own bone chilling summations.

Thanks to all my friends who accompanied Johnny and me to this once in a lifetime experience…you all are troopers and I am glad to have such friends who can stare fear in the eye and still have the guts to go on and give moral support to each other. You all ROCK big time.

Thanks John to kiss your fears Goodbye and come along with the whole trip - just for me.....LOVE YA.

And finally to end on a lighter note – who’s up for next year ;)

Friday, June 22, 2007

New York, New York

Well……… the perils of going on vacation is that when you get back you are slammed with like 150 emails and loads of stuff that are all urgent – and that too on your first day back.

Okay enough with me complaining now and back to my experiences of the big apple. Like any tourist going there for the first time I asked my friend to show me Times Square, where all the digital images make you dizzy in no time. Sub-consciously part of the reason that I wanted to see Times Square could be that I wanted to see where all the Bollywood actors shot movies when in New York. And trust me I am not all that a Bollywood freak (the last time I saw a Bollywood film was easily more than 8 weeks back). So yes part of being Indian is that Bollywood influences you no matter at what level of fan hood you are at.

Okay now this is about New York and not Bollywood – sorry friends, so back to New York and Times Square. There are all kinds of digital images on buildings of all shapes and sizes. From a giant M & M turned into Godzilla climbing on top of the Empire State building to the sophisticated Discovery commercial on top of the building where the balloon drops on New Years Eve.

Going Downtown towards Ground Zero – that too atop a double decked bus, looking up the buildings can make you feel uncomfortable at first, specially if you are not used to sky rise buildings and closed spaces, one almost feels like the buildings will cave in to the street and you’ll have no where to run.

John and I reached Ground Zero, It was a massive construction site and on the wire fence were the names on all the people that have gone missing since that unfortunate day called “September 11th”. Vendors were trying to make money from visitors by playing on their emotions; they were selling all sorts of things from posters of the twin tower to inspirational material, etc. I was the one who hopped off our tour bus to see the site, but once I got there this deep depression caught hold of me and I had to take out my big ole’ shades to cover them and not embarrass my self. I started going through all the names of the missing people till I realized that they were all religions, and races. I could take it no more and I asked John if we could leave. It is as if I could hear the sounds of desperation of all the people trapped in the twin towers trying to escape and the passages on board the airlines that hit the towers, I could feel like there were hundreds of souls of the dead still at the site whose remains are lost forever. I could feel how the living relatives of the lost must feel every time they come to visit the site and question themselves, “why?”


Change of topic, sorry did not mean to depress anyone. Madame Tussades, that was the favorite part of my New York trip……………For some $30 I got to take pictures with the likes of Usher, Michael Jackson, Bill Clinton, Yasser Arafat, Will Smith, The Rock, Johnny Depp in his whole pirate getup, sing with Beyonce and many many more, but the real excitement was when John and I saw the wax statue of Gandhi ji. We both got somber and took very serious looking pictures, in posses that were respectful. It’s funny how your body language changes once you see someone who you respect a lot – even if it is a statue. Midway on the 3rd floor we realized that our cameras battery was DEAD. I know it was so frustrating and sad that I could not take pictures for Josh of SupermanL.


Can anyone guess why the Statue of Liberty is green? She is made of bronze and due to being exposed to chemical weathering and the salt in the air -- a process called “oxidation” has caused her to turn into the green complexion she now possesses. It was a great experience to visit the Lady with the torch who symbolizes liberty and freedom to the American people The seven spikes in her crown represent the seven
seas of the world (Arctic, Antarctic, North and South Atlantic, North and South Pacific, and Indian) as well as the seven continents (Africa, North America, Europe, South America, Australia, Asia and Antarctica).

The 25 windows in the crown represent the natural minerals of the earth. The chains below her feet symbolize the broken shackles of slavery. Liberty's gaze is eastward, towards Europe, as Bartholdi considered that continent to be less enlightened by liberty than the United States. She holds a tablet in her left hand with the inscription: July IV MDCCLXXVI (4 July, 1776 - American Independence day).

At the end of the Ferry ride – which we had to wait 45 mins till the next Ferry to get back to the city from the Island, John was scared that the lil’ Indian boy who had turned green himself (no he was not mimicking the complexion of the statue of liberty) would throw up on us – so we waiting till his Mom helped him down to the exit.

Back on solid ground again, we witness this group of 3 African American guys who called themselves the Brothers just perform they act and entertain the audience. It was a great act, with well coordinated hip hop and jokes and one of them did a flip over four children. In the end their message was that all races are created equal and that all races were brothers. I was so impressed with their act that I asked John to tip them for trying to make a living showcasing their talent.

Shopping was great at Fashion Avenue, I believe it was 34th street, and John and I freaked out at this little hole in the wall Indian place called “Kati Roll” , out of the one week we were there we ate at Kati Roll 4 times.

Watch this space for more on my over all experience of New York.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Women today (influenced by women yesterday?)

Ever wondered why a woman feels like she has to be Super woman and balance all the aspects of her life after she is married and has children? We set such high expectations for ourselves that we ourselves cannot meet up to (and die trying). When we are not able to meet the un-realistic goals we set………we start feeling guilty……we feel like we have failed our family, children, husband, boss, etc.

I wondered why women feel this way and compared it to how men feel about themselves………well, men don’t take it upon themselves and agonize over the dishes not done, or the bed not made (of course not all fingers are the same). Most men acknowledge that a woman is their equal counterpart but they still do not agonize over household chores like we do.

The real answer may lie in the history of women and how the Women rights movement came into play.

America is considered one the best places for women to live -- in terms of equal opportunities and rights, but it was not always like this. The first Women rights movements sprung about in the 1800’s when women supporting the cause of anti-slavery realized that, their own rights compared to those of the slaves were -- not very different.

Women at that time were not eligible to vote, University education was not open to them, and women could not have her property in her name after marriage (the property was automatically transferred to her husband). The whole theory of Separate spheres existed. The man’s sphere was the outside or public world, and the woman’s sphere was the domestic. But things changed when the idea that women were the custodians of morality came into play. Women started to minister to the poor, teach them, form anti-slavery groups, and started to cross paths with men on Public speaking platforms.

But even much before this era they was a time that women were accused and killed on Witchcraft accusations. The accusations were usually from neighbors and they blamed women who were more often single or windowed, older women with property. These women often bore no children, or had no sons, and if a married women was accused her husband and son and daughters were in danger of getting accused as well. The accusations could range from death or sickness of farm animals or relatives, to natural disasters, to the death of the accused witches child or husband.

The implication here is that society unconsciously contributed to the accusations by eliminating women past their child bearing, productive years. (So now you know why the tradition witch is depicted as an old hag)

Coming back to present day America……yes we do have it better than those women had it, at the eras they lived in……definitely. But have we really come as far as we would like to believe? Physiologically at least?

If we have then why do we torment ourselves -- by trying to be Superwoman just to please everyone else in our lives and not ourselves? When it comes to take our children to the Doctor we never hesitate and take time out no matter how busy we really are, but when was the last time your Doctor sent you a yearly check-up appointment and you actually went?

You decide …..does the ideology of Separate spheres still exist and to what extent? All I have come to the conclusion is that you can never make everyone in your life happy so at least make yourself happy and in order to love someone you have to love yourself first.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Skeletons in our closet

One might wonder why I chose such a name as “the skeletons in our closet” as the title for my blog spot. Well the truth is that we all have skeletons in our closet.

Yes, each one of us does.

There are certain things that even those who we are close to -- do not know about us (scary thought). We all have done something in our lives that we are not proud of and, given a second chance, would never repeat it.

Still we like to critique others lives. Do the holier than thou act. In a book on how to find topics to write about, the author stated that nothing can be more interesting that our own backyard.

I agree.

If we all were to write a book inspired by our very own experiences and bring out the skeletons from our closet, I bet you it would make an interesting read. Each life is a story worth telling. We have all in one way or the other faced and overcome obstacles in our life. We have all at least once in our lives questioned (some entity above) “why me”?

The skeletons in our closet have shaped us to be what we are today and most importantly, where we are in life today. For most of us (if not all of us) I can safely assume that the skeletons in our closet have made us better human beings. As humans we ourselves do not know what we are capable of, we constantly underestimate ourselves. There is nothing we are not capable of overcoming only if we want to; you only have to take a look at the skeletons in your closet to prove it to yourself.

If you have to adopt one motto in your life let it be whatever happened, happened for the best, all other motto’s will follow with this one concept in mind. Once you apply this to your life you will find yourself being more positive and be able to move on and pursue new opportunities. After sometime you will notice that the skeletons in your closet will start to appear as a positive force in your life versus the negative. Ultimately it’s up to you to view the glass as half empty or half full.

If it was not for the skeletons in my closet I would definitely not be writing about it. Let’s celebrate our lives, live to the fullest, if you have a passion fulfill it now; it’s never too late.

Lets try to be human and not like the skeletons in our closet. Life is all about embracing the good, the bad, the ugly, and the skeletons in our closet and making the best out of it.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

India vs US

Growing up in Nigeria and going to college in India, America to me was the land of freedom, the land without boundaries where one’s possibilities were endless, where truly if there was a will there was definitely a way. There was awe and glamour attached to the way of living in America. I left my friends and family to embark on my journey to the land of opportunity, California. I learnt from my experiences and if you want the short cut approach to make yourself adapt to the way of living and culture of America even before going there… then look no further, you are reading the right article.

The first thing a new comer will notice on the way from the airport to wherever they are going to is that there is one person per car and that is the norm. To encourage commuters to share a ride most freeways have something called a carpool lane which can only be used if there are two or more people in a car. The carpool lane is fast and passes the single person driven cars in a breeze. One can only imagine what a car pool lane in India would be like, where in a 5 seated car 10 family members can be squeezed with space to throw in the neighbor’s kids as well.

Due to the busy life and schedule, weekends is the only time people get to go grocery shopping, clean the house, pay the bills, do household chores etc. so if you happen to drop by at your friends house without prior notice don’t be surprised to hear “you should have called before you came”. In US you have to be respectful of ones time and not barge in on someone who you consider a close friend. In India we can barge in on our friends’ house at odd hours, what is all this prior notice when we want to visit and honestly if our friend was to ask us to call before we drop by their house that would be a huge insult and the friendship is likely break.

Equality at least in theory exists in the American workplace. Everyone in the workplace is on first name basis, regardless of title, superiority, and/or seniority. If you call your Boss, “Boss” or “Sir” often they would think you are being funny on purpose. And don’t you dare call an elderly person Uncle or Aunty, not unless you are related. Calling your Boss by his or her first name in India would mean disaster for your career, it would mean that you are disrespectful and you might even get fired and not calling your friends parents Uncle and Aunty is the same.

Making friends is not easy especially if you are straight out of India. The desi youngsters hang around with similar Indians who have been born and raised here and a desi out of India is tagged a FOB – Fresh off the boat. Which I do not understand. Would they rather someone put a fake accent on and act all American when obviously they have lived in India and will have Indian mannerism in them. It’s probably easier to make American friends or friends with desis of similar backgrounds. Try social networks like orkut, friendster,etc. participate in locale events. A newcomer going to India for the first time is embraced into a group much easier than here.

Any one viewing American Idol can quickly feel the tension and fierce competitiveness and rivalry between the contestants. When someone is eliminated the remaining contestants are relieved and view the elimination as one person less to compete against. They openly express their happiness at staying on for another episode and who has the time or energy to mope around for the eliminated contestant. On the Indian Idol when a contestant gets eliminated, fellow contestants are in tears, audience is in tears, and even at times you will see the judges trying hard to keep the tears from falling. As Indians we are generally sensitive and feel the person’s pain even if they are our competition.


Modesty is a virtue versus confidence is a virtue………..and no guessing which country represents what virtue. A modest person here is mistaken to have a low level of confidence. While a person who shows over confidence is interpreted as to know what he/she want in life. In India some of the few fundamentals that we are brought up with are “self praise is no praise” and “simple living, high thinking” just to repeat a few. But if you want to succeed in the American workplace one has to speak up and let your voice be heard. You have to blow your own trumpet sometimes and learn how to take compliments well, (something which most of us are bad at receiving).


The topic of this article suggests that all this is gathered from my experience. Your experience might be different or varied with a different flavor to them. Coming to America the most difficult part for me was learning to do every thing on my own with no domestic help, but now I proudly claim that there is nothing that I cannot do. I work a full time job, go to college part time, and go home to my Family that consists of my mom-in-law, sis-in-law, husband and three year old son to cook everyday, and I still found the time to write as this is my passion. No one country or culture is totally flawed or perfect. It is up to the individual to use their judgment and pick what applies to them and drop the rest. Take the opportunity to blend in the best of both cultures, to make a blend that is truly yours and applies to your life in a way that is meaningful.

America is truly a land of opportunity but newcomers beware she will test you in every way possible to make sure you are worthy, throw hurdles in your way and when you show perseverance she will open her arms and embrace you.